Tyra, Where Are You?

As of late, I have been really watching my diet. In fact, I have been practicing veganism for the last 28 days. Why would someone willingly deprive themselves of bacon, chicken, meat, milk, cheese, yogurt, eggs, fish, CHOCOLATE, gummy bears, Milk Duds, and everything else that makes the culinary world go round you ask? That's a great question. I think I started it initially as a method to just get more healthy, and then it became a challenge: I promised myself I would be totally vegan for thirty days. Kind of like that guy in Super Size Me...just in reverse. But, my time is almost up, and I'm excited. In fact, the only time I have been more excited to be quitting a diet was after my experience with the Master Cleanser Diet, during which I spent three days in the fetal position on the kitchen floor, slurping spicy lemonade through a twisty straw. That's a fun story.

I admit, with all the cycling and the super-healthy eating, I was kind of hoping to finish the summer looking like Tyra Banks (just, you know, shorter, white, and with braces). Unfortunately, that didn't happen. In fact, because I've been eating copious amounts of things like baby spinach salad with tahini dressing and roasted almonds, millet-stuffed zucchini, and falafel and avocado-stuffed pitas, I think I might actually be a little more portly. That's right, I said portly....which does not bode well for my future spandex adventures.

I had a new ID badge made today (something that you have to do when you have a real job, apparently, just in case they forget what you look like), and the man that took my picture (who, incidentally, was very cross-eyed.....maybe not the best position for him) told me after he snapped--without counting to three--that the photo was just great.

False.

I looked at my face staring back at me from my badge, and as much as I hoped it would, it didn't look at all like Tyra. In fact, it looks more like I just got back from a three-day hike through the wilderness, and they let me do my make-up in one of those roller-coaster simulator rides. I could have worn my Ugly Betty costume and looked better. It's really a shame, because my last ID badge was amazing...we're talking like a Glamour Shot. So, I really can't ignore the evidence. I'm going back to my sinful ways of eating roast beef and grilled cheese sandwiches and Hot Tamales so I can get back to my Glamour Shot days and find Tyra in there somewhere.