Can I Have a Straw With Those Mashed Potatoes?

My friends, the time has come. This morning, I stared up at flourescent lights for an hour while El Orthodonto fitted little Brackets of Torture to my teeth. I walked out of his office unable to stop moving my lips over the new Braces. And I was pleased. I actually did it. I rarely REALLY follow through with any big plans I make, so this was a big deal. And I thought, cool...I have Braces.

Now, about twelve hours after their installation, I am wondering what the crap I was thinking. What monster talked me into this ridiculous intstrument of Pain? I'll admit, I have a pretty low Pain Threshold. I'll whine about papers cuts and flu shots for days. But this? This is something that the Russians would use on James Bond. Something that the Evil StepMother would have done to Cinderella. Something that Paris would do to Nicole. Because y'all, this SUCKS.

El Orthodonto gave me some wax to make it bearable. You're supposed to put it on the sticky outy places to make it more smooth. Well, you could create a life-sized likeness of Mariska Hargitay with all the wax that is in my mouth right now. On top of that, I can't eat anything. No crunchy foods, sugary foods, gummi type foods, or Starburst. This long list of no-nos knocks everything out of my ordinary diet except steamed beets and brown rice. And honestly, I really don't like either one of those things. So for lunch, I had yogurt through a straw (I tried the spoon, but it tapped against my teeth once and I felt like I had been struck by lightning and repeatedly kicked in the face by an angry angry Bull) and I can't wait to see what semi-liquids I'll be able to force down tomorrow.

I am looking forward to a peaceful night sleep (with the help of some wonderful fantastic Tylenol PM) and a terrible day tomorrow. Think of me as I teach America's future with swollen lips, a mouth full of wax, and a pretty noticeable lisp.