Rome, Italy

My loyal readers (if you are even still reading), I can hardly be forgiven for my negligence of the Blog. I have been swallowed by the maelstrom that is the end of the first semester. Please accept my humble apologies.

As some of you know, I recently took off on a grand European adventure for my Thanksgiving break. In order to maximize your boredom, I have decided to break this adventure up into four posts (one for each country). Don't forget to check my pics out on Flickr.

Rome, Italy

I started out at DFW Airport where I had to take off every item of clothing, unpack my bags several times, disassemble my camera, triple-bag my liquids, and say the Pledge of Allegiance twice. By golly, NOTHING was getting on that plane that didn't belong. Although I couldn't help notice that the woman two seats down from me was doing a crossword with a very menacing looking pen. Don't worry, I kept my guard up the whole flight, just in case. Except when I slept. And watched the movie.

I arrived in London, and was forced to hang out at Gatwick Airport for several hours. Luckily, I found the vending machine area, so I twelve Curly Wurlies and five Crunchie Bars and just slipped into a diabetic coma while the hours passed. Before I knew it I was in Rome, Italy, saying hello to my friend Laura for the first time in seven months. I managed to drag myself up to her apartment, (and back down for some gelatto of course), meet and embarrass myself heartily in front of Laura's roommates, and roll into cot.


The next day, Laura and I traveled Rome. We saw the Pantheon, the Trevi Fountain, Jennifer Lopez's hand and car (she was shopping in the city, and I pulled out my paparazzi lens), the Colosseum, and the Vatican. The most exciting was obviously J. Lo. The ancient ruins were great, J. Lo's car was pretty, and the spaghetti with eggs and bacon that I had for dinner was strangely tasty. And of course, I washed it down with another serving of gelatto. In fact, I don't think there was a day on the trip that went by without some sort of frozen calories making their way to my thighs.

America's Future

Me: Geez, my kids are making the worst grades on this test.

Edward (the Brother): Really? Like how bad?

Me: Like the highest grade out of the last twenty tests was a 65.

Edward: I have an idea.

Me: I'm afraid to ask.

Edward: For people who failed, just staple Burger King applications to their tests when you give them back. You know, save them a trip.

Me: Wow. You have issues.......wait, do you really think I could get away with that?

Are You Actually Going to Touch That?

I am sitting here watching UT (Hook 'em) play Oklahoma State University mostly because some part of me would like to still be in College. It's a good game, mostly because we're winning. But I have to make an observation. The Head Coach of OSU is pacing the sidelines as most Head Coaches do, and he has with him his Princess Leia Earphones and his confidential Stack of Papers (the Stack of Papers that every Head Coach carries around during a game, but nobody knows what they really are...plays? Bible Verses? Voodoo Spells? Address Books? Sadly, we will never know).

Anyway, Mr. OSU has decided that it is most convenient not to hold this sacred Stack of Papers, but store it in his Pants. Yes, he is stuffing the Stack down the front of his Pants. Not all the way down there, but, you know, down there. I guess this makes sense, because they are very easy to grab at a moment's notice. But, my friendly advice to Mr. OSU: invest some of that extra Athletics Budget on a $1.25 Clipboard from Office Depot. Or even one of those stretchy Attach-to-Your-Beltloop clip thingies. But sir, the front of your pants? Gross.

Chuck Norris For Governor

So, the Election for pretty much every office except President is coming up in a few days, and the Campaign Commercials have been great. Did you know Rick Perry wants us all to breathe in Dirty Air and wants our Babies to get birth defects so that his Kids will look better by comparison? I've known that for years, but now it's out there for everyone to see. Then there's one running up here in the Dallas area for some dude, and he is sitting in a huge plush couch surrounded by his Loving Family Members. And all of the sudden, moved by a spontaneous urge to tell the World just how great her Grandfather is, the blond-haired, blue-eyed six year old on his lap starts talking about how her Grandaddy just wants the Best for everyone and he is just a giant Teddy Bear. During the seventy-eighth airing of this commercial today, I noticed that the Grandaddy Teddy Bear was mouthing the words along with the Kid. I mean, this Chick is already being paid in Lollipops and Bear Hugs...do you have to further insult her by mouthing her lines with her?

I also enjoy the slogans. "Kinky Friedman: Why the Hell Not?" Classic. "Carol Keaton Strayhorn: One Tough Grandma." Why are all these Grandparents running for office? Who is at home with plastic-covered furniture handing out old mints and five dollar bills?

But, I don't have to worry about who I'm voting for, because I just found out yesterday that Rick Perry is being endorsed by none other than CHUCK NORRIS. My friends, anyone who is good enough for the King of Cowboy Kung Fu is good enough for me.

Kill the Doorbell

Halloween is always an interesting Holiday. For some reason, the students at my School were allowed to dress up if they chose to, and let me tell you, it gets your adrenaline pumping to see a kid (who already scares me a little bit) staring at you from behind a bloody Hockey Mask in the back of the Room. Don't worry, he got a Detention for casting Murderous Glances, so it won't happen again.

I spent a couple of hours the night before Halloween slaving away to carve the Perfect Jack-o-Lanterns. Unfortunately, when I finished, they looked more like they had had an accident with a Weed-Whacker than been carved by actual Human Hands. Of course, I guess a Weed-Whacker accident is more horrific and therefore more Halloween-y. Anyway, we had about 15,000 small children come trick-or-treating, and at three doorbell Rings apiece (because if you don't answer the door within 0.7 seconds, you obviously didn't hear the doorbell), we tallied a total of 45,000 Rings...which is not annoying at all. Luckily, I ran out of candy within an hour, so we got to ignore most of the wee costumed ones.

After a long night, I drove up to School this morning only to discover that someone had tried to Toilet Paper the School. This wouldn't be so funny except that we have two trees, neither of which is more than seven feet tall, and the Vandals seem to have given up after only one toss. So, blowing in the wind this morning off of one of the saplings in the front was a lone piece of Toilet Paper. I love this town.